Jumbo shrimp.
Military intelligence.
Good government.
Pepsi Free. ( I just threw that one in because it's a personal favorite, as explained by noted comic Gallagher---".....dumbest name ever invented....that means it doesn't have any Pepsi in it. That's a Coke....")
And, of course, the more timely and topical of the moronic oxys...
Super Tuesday.
Super for some, not so super for others.
The results of yesterday's primary-ing and/or caucusing were, within a minor hiccup here or there, pretty much what everyone expected the results of yesterday's primary-ing and/or caucusing would be.
And in a campaign that seems to have been with us since our grandparents graduated from high school but is still eight months to go and counting, the second guessing, predicting, armchair and/or Monday morning quarterbacking, pundit-ing, proselytizing and pondering of it all is exhausting, for some, wearying, at least a little, for many.
So we'll have none of that here, thank you very much.
What's on tap here today is not an analysis so much as an announcement.
I'm done.
No more words wasted on superfluous and academic op/eds on the merits of this one or the flaws of that one, the chances that this one will make a dent or stop a juggernaut or this one will suddenly breakout of the pack or, even, that one still circles around out there, unbeknownst to us, waiting to jump into the fray at the last minute or, better yet, show up like the Cavalry, to offer mature, sensible, honest, trustworthy leadership and free us from this Orwell meets Kafka nightmare of an election year we've lived in thus far.
Jed Bartlet, for the love of God, man, get in this thing and save us.
Barring that or, God forbid, one of the two of them meeting some unexpected, deep ravine of a pitfall or, God forbid, some unexpected end to their life expectancy, only the completely oblivious and/or those who think Samantha Bee is cutting edge insightful would be incapable of a clear grasp of the obvious.
Or inevitable, depending on how super your Super was yesterday.
The Democratic and Republican nominees for President of the United States are, respectively Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.
Wow. Typing that was surreal in a way I can't even begin to begin to describe.
Assuming that assumption to be accurate, there will be plenty of opportunity to assess and/or comment on and/or satirically skewer one and the other and both as the eight months of our discontent play out.
Today, Donald is our first contestant.
And when it comes to conjuring up content for satire and/or sardonic op/ed, there are no words to be written any more satirical or sardonic than the actual words of the man of hour himself.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the can you fucking believe he's gotten this close next President of the United States.
Donald J. Trump.
“Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.”
“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”
“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bring crime. They’re rapists… And some, I assume, are good people.”
“If I were running ‘The View’, I’d fire Rosie O’Donnell. I mean, I’d look at her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say ‘Rosie, you’re fired.’”
“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”
“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
. “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”
“I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.”
“I could stand in the middle of 5th Avnue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose votes.”
"She got schlonged, she lost, I mean she lost..."
"He's (John McCain) not a war hero. he's a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren't captured."
"You could see there was blood coming out of her (Megyn Kelly of Fox News). Blood coming out of her wherever.."
"Look at that face (Carly Fiorina's face) Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?"
"I'm calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States,"
Okay.
Point made.
And made.
And, like I said earlier, I'm done.
There's no point in wasting thoughts, words or air time trying to convince anyone about this guy one way or the other.
Those who think Trump is the salvation of mankind, at least the mankind that resides in the United States, will, obviously, judging by their passionate support of him no matter what he says about anything or anyone are not going to change their minds for anything.
With the possible exception of his being caught, on live television, viciously raping and murdering, let's say, Marco Rubio's wife.
And...even then.
And those who see the man, judging by his documented actions and his documented statements, as a misogynist, racist, sexist, narcissist, global embarrassment of a bully are neither going to have a change of heart anytime soon or change the minds of anyone in their circle of life who consider him the salvation of mankind, at least the mankind that resides in the United States.
There is, though, a second group that falls somewhere in between, or in the dark and depressing crevice between the two camps.
Folks who are faced with a choice between a woman who is perceived to be a liar, unworthy of trust and a puppet of the same corporate greed that has put America in the current quicksand and a man who, irrefutably, presents himself as a misogynist, racist, sexist, narcissist, global embarrassment of a bully.
Talk about your rock and a hard place.
Lady or the tiger.
Beast or bitch.
Or lesser of the evils.
Or, more aptly this time around, the lesser of the lesser.
Stand by, Trump-eters, there will be plenty of time and print space for Hillary hits as we ease on down, ease on down the road.
For the moment, we're dissing the Donald.
But, in the ongoing attempt to view this Rod Serling meets Dr. Seuss graphic novel of a national presidential campaign from a road less traveled, let's stop talking about what we stand to acquire with our votes in November and spend a minute considering what it is we will be passing on.
At least if, come November 9, we find ourselves Constitutionally obligated to put "the Donald" in nickname storage to be replaced with "Mr. President."
Again, surreal moment for me here.
Already, throughout this campaign, a billion words, with plenty more to come, have been written and/or spoken about various and particular groups that will be radically affected by the grand opening of the newest Trump Tower at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Muslims.
Gays.
Women.
China.
Mexico.
Immigrants.
Putin.
Megyn Kelly.
The list, like the clacking of a bad engine, goes on and on and on and.....
One group doesn't get much, if any mention, to these eyes and ears.
Our children.
And their education.
But not in terms of better and safer schools, more and better teachers, more and better educational opportunities, more affordable tuitions or even just an overhaul of the educational system itself.
It's about what we're teaching them.
By electing, as the leader of the nation and, ostensibly, the free world, a misogynist, racist, sexist, narcissist, global embarrassment of a bully.
And, in that single act, sending the message to our children that misogyny and racism and sexism and narcissism and bullying aren't, it turns out, character flaws that need to be, at least, discouraged, if not outwardly, swiftly, bluntly and without hesitation prevented and, if need be, forbidden.
But that you can, in the end, present yourself that way in America and, far from being chastised or corrected, find yourself elected President of the United States.
Super Tuesday is behind us.
And for the remainder of the year, we're going to hear thousands of people sharing with us what they see and hear as they watch and listen to the process play itself out.
Watch and listen to who you like because, if for no other reason, no matter who your favorite commentator or pundit or prognosticator might be, the unavoidable truth is the only real absolutely guaranteed to be right about it all in the end political analysis will come not from Fox or CNN or MSNBC or Hannity or Maddow or Wolf or Megyn or Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.
Only one well known name will nail it.
Doris Day.
Whatever will be, will be.
That said, it might be worth mentioning again, that of all the tens of thousands of eyes and ears that will be watching and listening and assessing and determining and predicting there is one critically important bunch of eyes and ears that won't have a word to say about any of it.
But make no mistake.
The children are watching.
And they're listening.
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