National election time again.
Well, not technically, given that we're, at this writing, a year away from actual ballot casting, but in a culture that has you navigating the store aisles stacked high and cheap with Christmas decorations within a day or two of your closing down the pool for the year, it's only natural that presidential election campaigns eat up more than 1/4th of the actual time we elect people to actually do the job.
And, of course, as is tradition, with every shiny new national election comes the value added, free with every purchase glut of catchy slogans.
This time around, though, it occurs that if the snap, crackle and pop of this go-rounds collection of campaign mantras is any indication, the future is looking less like a sizzle and more like a snooze-fest.
And it's not that the bumper sticker bywords ultimately matter a hoot in hell compared to a particular candidate's stand on the economy, immigration, climate change, taxes and all the other issues that we satirically convince ourselves we have researched and pondered and come to enlightened decisions regarding.
Then again, judging from a lot of what's floating around out there in the social media mainstream, it's not incorrect to suggest that while polio, smallpox and yaws have been pretty much eradicated, dumb seems to be spreading like those wildfires in California that would go away if they just ratcheted up their forest floor sweeping schedule.
Oh...and that's "yaws" the rarely fatal, but highly disfiguring cousin of the syphilis bacteria.
Not that badly bootlegged, Swedish dubbed version of the killer shark film classic.
Personally, as a writer of some experience, and infamy, if not, accomplishment, it's my p.o.v. that you can tell a lot about a candidate for office by the catchphrase they contribute to the conversation.
For a couple of reasons.
First, you only get one chance to make a first impression.
And while rallies, town halls, chat room events, even deeply probing, insightful interviews by Rhodes Scholar level inquisitors like Joy Behar are fleeting moments on the time line.....
...bumper stickers are forever, baby.
And a well thought out, appealing, even, dare we dream, simultaneously intelligent and witty slogan shows a potentially keen, even, dare we dream, simultaneously intelligent and witty mind on display.
Most slogan historians point to "I Like Ike" as the pinnacle of promotional savvy.
Me, I'm more of an "AuH20 in 64" kind of guy.
But I've oft been told I'm way too clever for my own good.
Campaign 2020, meanwhile, is, as mentioned earlier, not shaping up to be a massive wave of wit, whimsy and wherewithal when it comes to making the case in as few words as possible.
Joe Biden is letting us know that "Our Best Days Still Lie Ahead".
Which, frankly, sounds more like a pep talk for somebody suddenly rendered paraplegic than a reason to cast a Biden ballot.
Current, at this writing, full time candidate and, to hear Hillary tell it, part time Russian asset Tulsi Gabbard is pledging to "Lead With Love"
Could just be me, but I'm not particularly inspired to vote for anybody who has me finishing her slogan in my head with "it's the only thing / that there's just / too little of".
Bernie Sanders has mostly de-commissioned last time's "Feel The Bern" and opted for a more attention span challenged friendly "Not Me. Us."
Probably not a best choice, given that, depending on how the next year or so shakes out, accusations of criminal behavior-wise, Donald might be usurping that mantra to use frequently in the form of "Not Me. Never Me. In Fact, Anybody and Everybody Except Me".
And Tom Steyer, who you might know from people saying things like "who the hell is Tom Steyer?" is letting America know that "There's Nothing More Powerful Than The Unified Voice Of The American People".
Most certainly patriotic and powerful. But lacks the understanding that very few people are going to commit to putting three bumper stickers on their car.
Even my personal fave in the electoral fracas, Pete Buttigieg, is playing it pretty garden variety as he pledges "A Fresh Start For America".
Again, probably just me, but when I hear that, I'm not thinking innovative and inspiring national and global leadership as much as I'm hearing the voice of Jimmy Dean and trying to decide between links and patties.
Speaking of Donald, of course, there's the now combination iconic politically / classic comedically "Make America Great Again" which has been evilly ingeniously re-tooled into "Keep America Great".
Couple of thoughts.
First, "Make America Great Again" itself was a re-do, originally used by Ronald Reagan in 1980. Reagan was the Trump of the 1980's. A tax cutting for the rich, woefully inexperienced, essentially useless former celebrity. The key difference, of course, being that we all liked him because he was a nice guy and not a sociopathic narcissist.
Second, "Keep America Great" shows an irrefutable lack of creativity and/or imagination. In fact, it makes one suspect that the goal is to to keep the motto as simple as simple can possibly be, lending credence to the theory that Donald has always known that his success is based entirely on the support of people who are, themselves, as simple as simple can be.
Third......
....no, scratch that. That second one pretty much covers it.
The history of political slogans is a fascinating one and well worth the five minutes, or so, that it takes to Google up that history (start at Wiki / it's a very good place to start).
As you might imagine, they run the gamut from uncommon to unimpressive, odd to ordinary, well intended but poorly executed.
Something noteworthy in the list for not showing up very often in the list, though.
The real bare knuckle, low blow, kick 'em in the nuts, no ifs, ands or buts you might expect to find in a profession pretty much fueled on venom.
Oh, there were a few hit and run sloganeers along the timeline.
"Ma, Ma, Where's My Pa" was used by the James G. Blaine campaign in 1884 referring to the allegation that his opponent Grover Cleveland had fathered an illegitimate child. When Cleveland was elected, his supporters fired back "Gone To The White House, Ha, Ha, Ha".
Al Smith, in 1928, took advantage of the desire of voters to repeal Prohibition by sloganing, with a not so subtle wink, wink, nudge, nudge, "Make Your Wet Dreams Come True"
And in 1964, in answer to the Goldwater contribution, "In Your Heart, You Know He's Right", the campaign of Lyndon Johnson smacked back on Goldwater's pro-use of nuclear weapons stand with a snarky "In Your Guts, You Know He's Nuts".
Mostly, though, the campaign slogan scrapbook is filled with lofty and/or cliche' and/or predictable same ol', same ol.
Time for a change.
Lumped in among the wide array of bonus features included in the Trump Premium Package is what amounts to a free pass.
Anything goes. Sky's the limit. Gloves are off. No holds barred.
Formerly standard operating procedures like decorum, tact, courtesy, regard, subtlety, discretion, even garden variety politeness....they're all now not only passe', they're practically subject to ridicule. As in "speak respectfully to other candidates for the job I'm wanting? what kind of candy ass, snoflake, suck it up butter cup bullshit is that?"
And gracious acknowledgement of critique or criticism?
Fuck you, you featherweight pussy. Make America Great Again.
The problem with this attitude, of course, is that there is no end to the list of problems with this attitude.
First, if not foremost, being that no matter how supposedly "gutsy" or "tough guy" or "take no bullshit" the followers think, or have been led to believe, it is, at the hard rock bottom of it all, that's simply no way to run a civilization.
Of course, if you're one of those who got the "civilizations is for candy ass, sno flake butter cups" refrigerator magnet with your purchase of the red cap, you don't give that hard rock bottom a second thought.
Except, of course, when others insult you by complaining about the noise you're making scraping that hard rock bottom.
To which you always immediately and instinctively reply.....
"...fuck you, you featherweight pussy. Make America Great Again."
By the way, not to wander too far off the point path, but have you noticed how "Make America Great Again" has evolved, or, more accurately, mutated, into a kind of honorary hashtag at the end of most everything that the followers say?
It's a lot like that fun phrase William Shatner attached to just about everything he said during his stint as the mirthful mad cow lawyer on the TV series "Boston Legal".
"...Denny Crane."
The key difference there, of course, being that whatever preceded that verbal exclamation point was usually delightfully eccentric and/or affectionately satirical.
As opposed to ignorant, mean spirited and/or just flat fucking obnoxious.
Oh. Right. Sorry. I forgot.
Fuck me. Make America Great Again.
Meanwhile, back at the bumper stickers.
As much as I, and, I'm fairly sure, many others would like to see the next twelve months spent electing a president play out in a firm, but fair, powerful, but polite, strong, but civilized, intense, but tactful, dramatic, but diplomatic atmosphere, I'm prepared to make a killing by betting every dime I own and/or can get my hands on that this next twelve months will prove that the answer to the question "how low can you go?" is actually the same answer to the question "what's a number between, say, two and three?"
Infinity.
And beyond, baby.
Trump will see to that.
And if you're inclined to yank your, by now frayed and stained, red cap down with a little defiant jerk and unload on me with a whole mess of "Demo-rats" and "Sleepy Joe" and "Nervous Nancy" and all the other theoretically clever, but, truth be told, ultimately pathetic pencil dick attempts at a comeback defending your big, orange hero, let me just add.
Fuck you. Make America Great Again.
So, while those of us sitting in the civilized section would enjoy watching a well played game of, say, chess or tennis or even baseball, all games that are ultimately more about intelligence and strategy than they are brute strength, the unavoidable fact is that "Campaign 2020", again, bet all you can beg, borrow or steal, is going to pretty much look like the cheapest, tackiest WWE grudge match your imagination can conjure.
With business attire, as opposed to ill fitting, psychologically damaging Speedos, as the dress code.
And if, props to Doris Day, whatever will be, will be here, then let's go all in and do it right.
Enough with the same ol, same ol, plain ol, lofty, lame, lightweight, flimsy, feeble, half baked. cut rate catch phrases and let's PDF Donald's cheap shot, low blow, petty, pea brain playbook and get busy bumper stickerin' like a bitch.
Kamala Harris- It's Pronounced COMuhluh, You MAGA Morons.
Tulsi Gabbard- Russian Asset, My Ass.
Amy Klobuchar- Just Vote For Me And Stop Sounding Stupid Making Fun Of My Name
Bernie Sanders - Call Me A Socialist One More Time, Motherfucker.
Elizabeth Warren- Hey Donald, Read THIS Warren Report, Fat Boy.
Pete Buttigeig- Yes, I'm Gay. And You're An Idiot. Let's Work Together.
Joe Biden - At Least You Know Where MY Hands Have Been.
Starting to sound like we got something here, don't you think?
And not to worry.
For those who think their big, orange hero is going to be left out, we've got a killer campaign slogan for him, too.
One that, just like all these others, is in your face, up your ass, dividing and inciting and angering and stirring up hatred and bigotry and ignorance and brings out the very worst in us.
As Americans, as citizens, as voters, as neighbors, as friends.
As human beings.
Donald Trump- Make America Great Again.
Oh, wait.....
Make that.....
Fuck You. Make America Great Again.
It's worked like a charm so far.
